Turn Around
by Nytel
Summary: It's the one year anniversary of Zak's death.


Based on the lyrics for the song 'Turn Around' by Sarah Bettens 

_Then I turn around and I do that all the time  
Going there feels wrong but the past is so much fun  
And all memories are sweeter cause they're gone  
I always want to turn around_

**Turn Around**

Lee zipped up his jacket to fight off the cool, early morning breeze. Considering it was summer, the air was quite crisp. He supposed it was most likely from the rainstorm they had gotten the night before, something he was reminded of when he had to dodge a puddle in the middle of the parking lot. It didn't matter much, because a few seconds later he was walking through the wet grass and his shoes were getting soaked anyways.

He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket and hunched over a bit as a small gust of wind blew from behind him.

Lee made his way across the open field quite quickly. It looked startlingly different than from how he remembered it. It could be just the eerie morning glow and lingering fog, but more likely it was the complete lack of people.

Maybe he should feel uneasy about walking through an empty graveyard on a chilly, foggy morning, but he didn't. Instead he just felt depressed, it was the same thing he'd been feeling for the last year. Gods, it had been a hellish year, most of which he didn't even want to remember.

Once Lee got closer to his destination he slowed down his pace. He wasn't sure if he was actually ready for this. He hadn't been there since the funeral and it was stirring up a lot of old memories and emotions.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to keep walking. He owed it to Zak to do this. He was just glad that he had decided to come early, before everyone else, including his father. This way he could face his grief alone.

When he was finally close enough to see the grave itself Lee stopped in his tracks. Apparently he hadn't been the only person who wanted to do this alone.

Kara was there kneeling in front of the headstone, head bent down and shoulders hunched. Lee knew that he should leave and give her the privacy she obviously wanted, but he couldn't. Instead he moved a bit closer and tucked himself behind one of the large trees that would provide shade for the others once the day got hot.

From his new spot he could make out one side of her face and was startled to see tears streaming down her cheek. Even at the funeral she hadn't cried, at least not that openly. He couldn't help but let out a sigh at the thought that maybe the past year had been just as hard on her as it had been on him.

* * *

Kara sank to her knees on the grass out of respect, and because her shaking legs wouldn't hold her up anymore. She knew that she had no right to be there, not after what she'd done, but she needed to.

"You always said that I never did what I was supposed to," she whispered as she let her fingers trace the name on the cool, grey marble. Tears immediately pooled up in her eyes and she didn't even try to hold them back, it would be pointless anyways.

Letting her fingers draw imaginary patterns over the stone she kept talking. "I know that I shouldn't be here Zak…" her voice cracked as his name passed over her lips, and she had to hold back a sob. "But I … I had to come."

Pretty soon her vision was blurred and she could barely make out the silver lettering through the tears. "I've missed you. Everything just isn't the same without you here."

She shifted her weight slightly, relieving some of the pressure from her old pyramid injury. "I… I gave up teaching Zak. I just couldn't do it anymore, not after… Well anyways, I'm stationed on Galactica now. Your Dad's a great man, an amazing commanding officer. He treats me just like family, even though he shouldn't."

Kara had to force herself to take a breath in the hopes of calming her racing heart. She let her fingers fall from the stone silently. She wrapped her arms around her torso, trying to fight off the chill that permeated her to the bone.

"This past year has been hell for me," she said quietly. "I never realized how much I relied on you before, but I did and now… now it's just me." Her voice dropped off to the barest whisper before she took another deep breath and continued talking. "It's not the same. What we had… that was real. You made me feel alive for the first time in my entire life… you gave me something that I'd never had before. You loved me and …" This time she couldn't stop herself from letting out a sob into the quiet morning. "And I loved you too. No, I still love you."

The tears, which had almost run dry, started up again. "I love you and I miss you… I, I miss everything." Her voice was becoming increasingly unsteady. "Every day I remember all of the things that we did, all of the fun that we had, and I wish things were still like that. Gods I wish that more than anything." She sniffed and inhaled shakily as she tightened her arms around herself. "But I guess that's just me being selfish."

She let out a hollow laugh. "You think that'd I learn, wouldn't you? That's exactly how this happened," she said waving one arm toward the headstone in front of her. "I was so frakking selfish and … gods… and now you're dead."

Another sob tore from her body and she curled in on herself. "This is all my fault Zak," she managed to choke out between sobs. "You died because I was selfish… Gods Zak… I am so sorry."

She curled even tighter and wished that the pain and the guilt would just go away, but she knew that wouldn't happen. That was her burden to carry for the rest of her life.

A few minutes later she said, "I would take it back if I could." She straightened her back and reached out again to trace patterns on the headstone. "You know that right?" Her voice was still heavily laced with grief and sorrow, but it was taking on a bit of a stronger edge.

As her fingers lovingly traced his last name she said, "If I had the chance I'd turn around and change it. I'd make it all right." She paused to draw in a few shaky breaths. "I just need you to know that ok," she said, so quietly so that even she could barely hear it.

* * *

Lee couldn't make out the last few words although he could see her lips moving. He'd heard every other part of what Kara had said and it had shocked and confused him. He had no idea what she was blaming herself for; if anyone was responsible for his brother's death it was his father.

A cool gust of wind blew by and Lee felt cold streaks on his face. Reaching up he brushed away tears that he hadn't even been aware of shedding.

He watched as she slowly stood up, letting her hands brush over the stone one last time. Then she turned around slowly and began to walk away. Lee had to fight the urge to step out from behind the tree as she passed, to let her know that he was there. The hurt and lost look on her face was just too much for him to bear; he wanted to be able to comfort her.

But he didn't, he just let her go. It was probably better this way, better for him to stick to the decision of cutting off all ties to Zak other than his mother. It made the grief easier to deal with, if only by a little bit.

He watched her walk away, arms wrapped tight around her body and shoulders shaking.

The End


End file.
